Twice in a Lifetime
by aciepey
Summary: Bella endures a tragedy early in her marriage to Peter Whitlock.  A story that tells about a woman's strength and how to draw strength from others.
1. Chapter 1

**Ohai. How are you? I am a suckish updater who was accosted by a plot bunny. This is the result. **

**This story was inspired by the real life tragedy of an acquaintance. **

**The song, "Whatever's On Your Mind" by Gomez, goes through my mind when I think about this story. Here's a nice live version: **** http : / / www .youtube .com/watch?v=LvKGt05DOE0 (remove spaces)**

**The chapters are shortish. POV varies, but will be obvious. The plan is to update on Saturday and Tuesday. Twelve chaps are written already. Thanks for taking the time to read. **

**Also thanks to myheroin1. xoxo**

**The world of Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer. What happens to her characters here is my fabrication.**

Every part of my body hurt. What the hell happened? I searched my memory for answers, inhaling deeply and noting the distinct smell of hospital. The lights were lowered, and there was beeping coming from some contraption above my head.

Why was I here?

"Bells? Are you awake, baby girl?"

"Give her a second, Chief. Bella? Can you squeeze my hand?" A huge hand engulfed my own.

Charlie. Emmett.

I squeezed with my left hand, and noticed that I couldn't move my right. I groaned, because that could only mean one thing. A cast.

"What happened?" I asked, my voice cracking, my throat dry. I focused my eyes on the familiar sights of my father and my good friend. I kept trying to come up with answers, but my mind was blank.

Charlie looked to Emmett, who just looked down at the floor. They both looked uncomfortable. Charlie reached his hand up to stroke his bushy mustache, avoiding my eyes. It was Emmett who finally spoke.

"B, what do you remember? Can you remember where we were today? What day it is?"

I thought about it for a second. Things were kind of hazy. Emmett's thumb ran across my ring finger, and something felt weird. My rings! They were gone! Then things began to tumble in place, bit by bit followed by a deluge of memories that forced a sound from me I had no idea I could make. It was a loud, long, almost inhuman like cry.

"We were at the lake… Jet skis. Oh my God! We crashed! Where is Peter? Where is he? Shit, Emmett! There was something in the water! I hit something! Daddy? What happened? God! Is Peter okay?"

Both men stood there, my dad smoothing my hair and Emmett holding my hand. Neither said anything as my eyes bounced frantically from one man to the other. Emmett turned around and pulled up a chair, settling his oversized body into the ubiquitous vinyl-upholstered seat.

"You remember right, B. There was an accident. There was a submerged log. You had no way of knowing it was there. When you hit it, it caused you to lose control and crash into Peter, who was up ahead of you."

Emmett stopped, clasping both of his hands around mine and looked at me with tears in his eyes.

"No," I whispered. "No, no, no-"

"I'm so sorry, Bella. I tried as hard as I could-"

"No! Emmett, tell me he's in surgery, or has been taken to Harborview on the helicopter, or-"

"Bells," Charlie said in a soft voice, "Emmett tried, he and Rose both, but he was already gone, honey." He had tears as well, and his hand shook as he continued to stroke my hair.

"No! He can't be gone! We have only been married two weeks! We just bought the practice!"

Then I began to feel nauseated as I looked at two of the strongest men I knew. They were both crying.

"I killed my husband," I said in a voice barely audible.

"Oh, God, no, honey! B, it was an accident! A horrible accident!" Emmett exclaimed.

"Bells, it was a twenty foot log caught in a snag just below the water. There was no way of knowing it was there. It wasn't your fault!"

My head began to pound as I scrambled to sit up. "Gonna puke," I gasped between sobs.

Emmett handed me a basin just in time for me to empty my stomach. He then held my still-damp hair as Charlie rubbed my back. I lay back in the bed while Charlie went to the sink to wet a washcloth for my face. Emmett pressed the call button and told them to bring in something. I remembered thinking that he was a pediatrician, not a big people doctor. I must have said that out loud, because he gave my hand a pat and a squeeze to reassure me.

I cried into the washcloth, its cool dampness not really a comfort at all. Peter was gone?

I felt the side rail of the bed lower and my daddy sat next to me and held me while I continued to cry. Emmett told me that he got some nausea medicine to settle my stomach. I looked up to see him injecting it into my IV line.

"Is that safe?" Charlie asked. Emmett nodded and sat back in the too-small chair.

Emmett reached out and touched my leg through the rough cotton blanket. He quietly slipped into doctor mode. "You have a broken arm and hit your head pretty hard. You have a few stitches there. Everything else is pretty normal."

Charlie raised his head to Emmett, some clearly concerned looks passing between them. I watched the silent exchange.

"What else? What other thing can you possibly be not telling me?" I asked. Charlie's arms tightened around me and Emmett looked from my eyes to my dad's, then back to me.

"Bella, I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess that you didn't know," Emmett began.

"What do you mean, Emmett? Didn't know what?"

"B, you're pregnant."

**See y'all Tuesday. Thanks again for reading. **


	2. Chapter 2

**Wow! Thanks so much for the response, guys! You are very, very kind! This angst thing is new to me. I am a bit of a wuss, usually only reading angsty completes because of my fragility. Because of that, I'm posting chapter 2 early. It's a short one.**

**I'd love to reply, so please make sure that you have your pms enabled if you want to hear back. **

**I thank myheroin1 from the heart of my bottom for her help.**

**The world of Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer. What happens to her characters here is my fabrication.**

**More from Bella-**

The next few days seemed like someone else's life. I had killed my husband. Okay, fine. It was an accident, but an accident that_ I_ had caused. The last thing I could remember of the whole thing was that I hit something in the water. My jet ski flew out of control and crashed into Peter's craft. I don't even remember if he saw me coming. I pray he didn't, because they tell me that his… death… was instant. His neck was broken when I plowed into him.

Emmett and Rose tried to save him. I know they did. However, even two trained medical professionals couldn't work a miracle that day.

All of our family and friends had been at the lake. We were having a last hurrah before Peter and I took over Dr. Crowley's practice. It had been a dream of ours since Peter proposed before our last year of dental school to practice together in either his hometown or mine. Proximity to parents-and eventual babysitters-was important to us. It just worked out that we ended up in Forks.

His family. Jesus. The first time I saw them- _after - _was fucking painful. Jasper and Alice came in first, and I about lost it. Jasper and Peter looked so similar. The same blue-grey eyes and wavy blonde hair. The two of them were inseparable as brothers. Jasper was the best man two weeks ago, and Alice, my matron of honor.

JT and Barb Whitlock had welcomed me with open arms when Peter and I became serious. I was so excited to be a part of their family. When Jasper and Alice announced that they were pregnant with Tommy, Barb later commented that she couldn't wait for Peter and me to start a family as well. I begged Jasper to keep his parents away from me that first day, _after. _I couldn't bear the look in their eyes. I couldn't face them knowing that my accident had taken their son away from them.

I avoided them until the next day. They were just as broken as I was, but the first thing Barb did was touch my belly and ask, "How are my daughter and grand baby doing?" Barb was nearly as tiny as Alice, and she just cuddled up in bed with me as we cried over our loss. I had thought about the baby a bit since waking the previous evening, but grief had numbed me and I mostly had walled off those thoughts until I could sort them out. With my mother-in-law holding me, I cried for the totally new agony of Peter not knowing our child, and our child not knowing him. I asked my mother-in-law, through my sobs, how I would ever get through this. Her one word response was, "Together."

**Sigh. **

**Thanks for reading, folks. See you next time.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Okay. I thought that this had to be posted now. It's another short one. **

**Natalie Merchant's song 'These Are Days' just came on. Very appropriate as Bella thinks about Peter.**

**I'm a-twitter: aciepey**

**The world of Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer. What happens to her characters here is my fabrication.**

The day of the funeral was gorgeous. I liked to think that Peter had something to do with that. Once upon a time, he and I discussed how drab funerals were, and that we would want people to wear happy colors at ours. I chose to wear a dress that he loved, and that he loved to take off me, when I saw him for the last time. It was a white sleeveless number with bright red little poppies all over it. He loved how it hugged my curves yet looked innocent at the same time, calling it my "fuck-me church dress." I smiled as I remembered wearing the dress on our honeymoon just ten days ago. We danced on the deck of the very private beach house we rented in Hilton Head.

Reality washed over me and pain seized my chest.

I'm not sure how long I sat on the edge of our bed, but the next thing I remember was Rose sitting next to me, brushing my hair and arranging it for me.

"I know that you might not want to talk about it right now, but I'd like you to make an appointment with me sometime in the next couple of weeks. I left some pre-natal vitamin samples downstairs for you. Try to take them with a bit of food, like a couple of crackers, okay?"

Rose _would_ be the one to sneak in medical advice while comforting me.

"I already told Jess to fit you in whenever you can make it. And the new OB started a few weeks ago. You will have to rotate between us, but I will talk to him and explain things, if that is all right with you?"

I nodded, unable to trust my voice. Four days ago, I was making love to my new husband in this room, and now I was a pregnant widow. I just looked at Rose, searching her eyes for a hint of what to do, how to go on.

"Peter loved this dress on you," she whispered. "He made me promise that you would take it on your honeymoon at the beach."

I leaned in for a hug from her. I couldn't stop the sobs. She sat there, holding me, crying right along with me.

"Thank you, Rose. For everything."

"You're welcome, sweetie. Anything at all, midwife or friend stuff, just let me know. Emmett and I are here for you. _Everyone _is here for you."

We headed downstairs, where Charlie and Emmett were.

"We're meeting Alice, Jasper, JT, and Barb at the church, Bells. I'll drive us in your car, if that's fine with you?" Charlie said.

I nodded and gave him a small but sincere smile. I grabbed my pocketbook and we headed out the door.

**~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~**

"I can't do this, guys. I can't fucking do this," I started to say as the church came into sight. Forks was so small that we didn't have a funeral home, and most people opted for the Community Church. Unfortunately, Forks' small size meant that many people also chose it for their wedding. In the span of two weeks, Peter had both events there.

**I try to imagine myself in Bella's place. So empty and yet literally full of life. **

**Thanks for reading. See you Tuesday.**


	4. Chapter 4

**It's almost Tuesday. Here's the first part of the funeral. My thanks to all of you who have read and left reviews and told me your own stories. **

**The world of Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer. What happens to her characters here is my fabrication.**

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><p>The service was a celebration, just as Peter would have wanted it. "Light on the Jesus, heavy on the happy," he once said. People just got up, one after another, sharing stories about my husband. There were laughs and tears echoing throughout the modest sized sanctuary. It truly was a testament to how many lives Peter had touched, how much he was loved.<p>

When it was all over, Pastor Weber led us in a prayer, encouraging us all to cherish every day, to live each day as best we could. I smiled a watery smile, because that pretty much summed up the meaning of life for Peter. As people filed out of the church, the family and pallbearers stayed behind. Everyone but me walked up to where his body lay in the rich mahogany box, whispering their goodbyes to their son, their brother, their friend, my husband.

"Bella, honey, do you want us to leave you for a few moments before we close the casket?" Pastor Weber asked in his gentle way. I remember thinking of what a shitty job it must be to have to ask such a question. "The others have said their goodbyes."

I looked at everyone, their tears evident as I stood away from the casket. I had avoided looking this whole time, somehow thinking that if I didn't see him there, it wouldn't be real. However, it was, and I approached slowly.

He looked handsome. I was waiting for his smile, slow and sexy. The boy smiled with his whole damn face. His eyes would crinkle. The dimple on his left cheek would appear. He'd smile, revealing that one beautiful tooth that was just a tad crooked. His chin was a delightful thing to nibble on when we were making out.

I took a deep breath as I ran my hands through his blonde hair for the last time. "I'm so sorry, Peter. I am so fucking sorry. I can't believe that this is it, that this is all the time that we have been given. We're having a baby! You didn't even get to know that! We had so many things to do, and now we won't." Tears flowed freely from my eyes. "I just wish we could go back four days."

I looked down at the handkerchief that my fingers gripped, embroidered with his initials. "I know you're gone, but I'm going to talk to you. A lot. The town will think I have lost it, but I'm going to miss you so fucking much. And this baby? This baby will know you. My God, I hope it has your eyes. But if I could choose one thing that it inherits from you, I want it to be your heart. That's what drew me to you, Peter. You taught me that love has this reflective property, and the more you give it, the more you get back. You taught me that it is okay to show love and affection." I longed to touch his skin, still deliciously tan from our honeymoon, but resisted. The pallor of death was there, despite the efforts of whomever it was that placed him in this satiny tomb.

It hit me then that Peter was really gone, and I began to cry those silent sobs that only deep pain can bring out of you. I reached into my pocketbook and withdrew the shiny, slightly curled piece of paper.

"This is who we created, baby. This is our child. There's not much to look at now. Really just a blob with a tiny flicker for a heartbeat. I'll do my best to raise him, or maybe it's a her, so that they will know what an outstanding person you were." I tucked the ultrasound picture into his cold hands.

"Visit me when you can. It would be great to be haunted by you," I said with a laugh. Peter loved Halloween.

I became aware that I was drawing out the inevitable. I took a sobbing breath that made my chest ache and I let out a whimper.

"I love you, Peter. I always will. We always will," I said as I rubbed my left hand, with both of my rings on my ring finger and his wedding band on my middle, across the place low on my belly where our child was growing. I leaned in, kissed his cheek, and petted his hair. My tears fell to his cheek, making it look as if he was the one crying.

I began to walk away, and then turned back for my last look. This was it.

"Goodbye, babe."

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><p><strong>Thanks so much for reading. Next update planned for Saturday. Now go hug your family and tell each and every one of them that you love them.<strong>


	5. Chapter 5

**Hello again! Thanks for joining me. I have been humbled by your reviews and the number of alerts! I think I'm going to change the posting schedule to Monday/Friday. It just works better for me and this time, you get a chapter a smidge early.**

**Still sad times here. Poor Bella.**

**Thanks to Myheroin1 and jakbranton. xoxo**

**The world of Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer. What happens to her characters here is my fabrication.**

**Additionally,just in case you need to be reminded, plagiarism isn't kind. Keep it classy, would you?**

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><p>Jasper, Emmett, Charlie, Ben, Tyler, and Jake took their positions and carried the casket to the hearse. I stood between JT and Barb as we watched, then got into the limousine. JT held my hand as I rested my head on Barb's shoulder. It was a short ride to the cemetery.<p>

Everyone in the whole freaking town was there, I think. All of our friends from school. A few professors, even. But they were a blur as I walked behind my husband's pallbearers to the gravesite. The weather held out. Not a rain cloud to be seen anywhere.

I heard what Pastor Weber said, but didn't really comprehend any of it. Charlie stood behind me, his hands on my shoulders, as I sat in an uncomfortable chair, randomly thinking that the weather had been relatively dry, since my heels didn't sink in the dirt.

Then everyone began to stand after the casket was lowered. I started to get a little claustrophobic for Peter, even though I knew he was dead. He was in a box, to be enclosed in another box, then six feet of dirt on top. Too much stuff to hold down such a carefree man.

Jasper saw me struggling and reached for me.

"That's not really him in there, B. It's just his shell. He's still here with us," he said, touching my heart, "And here, too," touching my belly.

My sobs continued as everyone filed by. Some gave me a pat or a squeeze, others talked to Emmett, Jasper, or Charlie. I didn't want to leave, but when all of the people had left, save for myself, Peter's parents, and Alice and Jasper, I knew it was time. I fiddled with a part of my cast that was itching my skin and took a deep breath.

"If I forget to tell them, please thank Carlisle and Esme for hosting lunch, Alice. Your parents are the best," I said as I hugged my best friend. Her face was red and puffy from her tears. Tommy stood by, the cutest two year-old ever, holding her hand.

"You know that they'd do anything for you, Bella. I think Dad just wants to keep an eye on you, too," she said with a wan smile. "You've got precious cargo."

I reached for her and pulled her to me. "Help me, Alice. I don't know how I'm going to get through this," I whispered.

"I'll help you, Bella. We all will."

Alice then handed me a smaller version of my wedding bouquet. It was a cluster of simple calla lilies, with an understated bow of pale pink organza. I wanted to leave those with Peter. They were my favorite, and he brought them to me for our first date. They would never cease to remind me of him.

I tossed the flowers down onto the casket. They landed perfectly, the ribbon almost mocking me as it rested there atop the dark wood. I grabbed Alice's hand and Charlie wrapped his arm around my shoulders as I began crying loudly. I felt so empty, despite being full of his love. "He was always telling me that he loved me, guys. I never had a doubt. I'm grateful that he was such a sap," I said with a snotty sounding snort.

I stared a minute longer, willing my feet to move. Taking a large breath, I said to nobody in particular, "I'm ready. Let's go to the Cullens' house. I'm a little hungry, and from what I hear, I better enjoy that before morning sickness hits."

Alice squeezed my hand and Charlie hugged me to himself and kissed my temple.

"I love you, Peter. Always."

We turned and walked toward the limousine.

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><p><strong>Thanks again for your kind reviews. Each one is like a wee little gift, and I cherish them all. Please remember, if you'd like a reply, enable those pesky PMs.<strong>

**See you Monday. ****J**


	6. Chapter 6

**Happy Almost Monday to you all! I hope your weekend was relaxing and you were able to regroup for the week ahead. I actually got some sleep without a three year-old coming into bed with me in the middle of the night. **

**I want to thank all of you for reading this angstburger. I have another story, 'Detours,' which I just updated after forever. It is fluffity fluff fluff. If you need something that is less achy, give it a try. :) **

**Special hugs go out to jakbranton who is going through her own heartbreak right now. I'm thinking of you and your family, A!**

**If somebody told you about this little story, please let me know who it was. I'd love to thank them!**

**Myheroin1, Twisherry and jakbranton were my helper bees this chap, and their efforts should be commended. Any leftover mistakes are my own.**

**The world of **_**Twilight**_** belongs to Stephenie Meyer. What happens to her characters here is my fabrication.**

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><p>By the time the last acquaintance left the Cullens' home, I had been asleep for at least an hour. I was exhausted. Carlisle had given me a Percocet, approved by Rose, of course. The ache in my heart was far worse than the ache in my arm, so I found a quiet place to lay down in one of Esme's guest rooms. I barely remember putting my head hitting the pillow.<p>

When I woke, I could tell it was getting late in the afternoon and I needed to get something to drink. All of the crying really had dehydrated me, and to be honest, I didn't want to be alone. I walked down the stairs and found my family and friends gathered in the dining room. Charlie stood and greeted me with a hug, then directed me to his chair. I didn't protest.

"How are you feeling, B?" Emmett asked.

"Honestly? Numb. Lost. Scared. My soul is practically in tatters. However, I am also very grateful that I have my friends and family, because you all know some of the same of what I am feeling. And my body aches from the accident. I am constantly looking at my belly and in awe that I get to have a piece of Peter to look after." My voice broke on the last few words. "It's such a precious gift."

Esme came and wrapped her arms around me, the epitome of all things maternal. "It is a precious gift, Bella. We will all help you through this, sweetheart. Anything you need, please don't hesitate to ask."

"That goes for us as well, B," Emmett said as he sidled up next to Esme and me. "Rose will get a kick out of having someone around who actually listens to what she says."

I smiled at my friends, thanking them without words for all they had done for me in the past few days.

"Bells, I know that this is the last thing you want to think about, but Doc Crowley wanted me to tell you not to worry about work right now. Take all the time you need and he will stay on as long as necessary. At least until you get your arm out of that cast." Charlie had grabbed my good hand and led me to the sofa in the Cullens' family room. I sat and snuggled into his side. My dad's arms felt so soothing. It made me want to slip into oblivion for a little while, but I knew that would do me more harm than good.

"That's really nice of him. It will help out a lot. To tell the truth, I haven't even thought much about that kind of stuff. I'm not even sure when I will be in a place where I can think about it. Please tell him how much I appreciate what he's doing."

Jasper came and sat on the ottoman next to the sofa. "Bella, Alice and I had an idea. And I just want you to think about it over the next couple of weeks. What would you say to sharing the practice with me? I am on contract where I am now, but we have been saving to buy a practice of my own." Alice came over and stood next to her husband, nodding.

My head swam a bit. Jasper was the reason why Peter decided to become a dentist. He had so much admiration for his older brother, following in his footsteps through college and dental school. Jasper had chosen to remain in Spokane, where he was affiliated with the UDub School of Dentistry as a junior faculty member. Peter and I chose rural dentistry, which made the opportunity to take over Dr. Crowley's practice here in Forks too good to pass up.

"I think it would be a great idea, Bella. Jasper would be fulfilling his dream of going out on his own, and I could be here for you, you know, when the baby comes?" Alice said in a questioning voice. "It would be nice to come home to Forks after being away so long."

Barb then came over and squatted in front of me. "And with Jasper and Alice gone, what reason would JT and I have to stay in Spokane? Retirement is retirement, no matter where we spend it, and I want to spend mine spoiling grandbabies!" JT looked at me with his kind eyes that reminded me so much of Peter's, nodding in agreement.

"You all can't uproot your lives for me! That's insane! It is just too much to ask!" I exclaimed through fresh tears.

JT sat down in the big leather chair next to the sofa. "You're not asking, Bella. We are offering. Just because Peter's gone doesn't mean you stop being our family, sweetheart. Barb told you in the hospital that we'd get through this together, and she meant it."

The room was quiet. I looked at my dad, at Peter's family, _my family, _and sat there, stunned.

"You don't have to make any decisions today, Bella," Carlisle offered from his place by the fireplace. "You have time to sort things out."

"Okay," I whispered. "I'll think about what you said. I'm afraid that I'll be relying on you all pretty heavily for a while, so thanks in advance. All of you."

"Oh, Bells. We'd all do anything for you. I think the best thing is to take each day as it comes for a while. Carlisle is right. No decisions have to be made immediately." Charlie hugged me to him and kissed the top of my head.

I settled back into my dad's embrace, feeling a bit better knowing that there was a tentative plan in place. It wasn't at all what I had imagined my life being a week ago. That dream had been replaced with this new reality that I would have to face without Peter by my side.

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><p><strong>Thanks so much for your time! See you Friday-ish! Have a great week!<strong>


	7. Chapter 7

**Hi there! A little early posting for you. Tomorrow, I will be up to my ass in alligators, and I won't be able to be near my computer.**

**This has been pre-read (many thanks jakbranton) but not beta'd, so if there are any mistakes, they be mine.**

**Thanks for your reviews. I will try to get around to replies tonight. That is if I can coax my kids into leaving me alone. **

**Here is some daddy/daughter time.**

**The world of**_** Twilight**_** belongs to Stephanie Meyer. What happens here to her characters is my fabrication**

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><p>The night after the funeral was harsh. I stayed with Charlie, in my old bedroom, surrounded by the relics of my youth. Peter always got a kick out of visiting Charlie. He loved the bachelor feel of the house, with the ratty recliner that needed to be burned and the larger than life flatscreen on the wall. As a joke, Peter had gotten Charlie a mini-fridge that doubled as an end table so that my dad wouldn't even have to leave his chair for more Vitamin R during whatever game he was watching. If Peter hadn't attained the status of 'worthy' before that, I was certain that after getting the beer chiller, he was the golden boy in my father's eyes. <em>Men.<em>

It was easier to sleep sitting up slightly, so that my arm could be elevated. Charlie tucked me in as if I was a child, which secretly made me feel special, and went off to bed. At some point, I awoke after having a nightmare of the accident. It kept playing over and over. The terror of losing control of the Jet Ski gripped me, and a replay of the impact with Peter occurred in slow motion. In my mind, I actually heard his neck snap before I hit my head into the side of his craft. I woke up, screaming at the horror that had just visited my dreams. Charlie was by my side immediately, and I clung to him as I became more aware that it was just a nightmare.

"Can we go downstairs, Dad? I think I need a drink. And maybe another pain pill, if I'm allowed."

Charlie nodded and helped me up from my bed. "You can have either one or two pills. I double-checked with Rose. Two might knock you out or make you sick to your stomach, though."

After we made our way down the stairs and to the living room, Charlie ushered me to his recliner. It looked awful, but was so comfortable. He got me settled with a pillow for my arm and the quilt Grandma Swan made for our sofa so many years ago. Then he disappeared into the kitchen, returning with a drink, a pill bottle, and a box of Goldfish crackers.

"The bottle says take with food, but sometimes I think that's just there so that when you do throw up the pills, it's not just dry heaves, you know?" Charlie said, placing the ginger ale on the mini-fridge and the box of crackers in my lap. He plucked a white tablet and placed it in my palm.

"Rose said that if you don't start feeling better an hour or so after taking one that you can take another. But no aspirin, no ibuprofen, because they aren't good for the baby. Tylenol is okay."

I nodded and took the tablet with a swig of ginger ale, then opened the Goldfish. "The nightmare was awful, Dad," I said softly. Charlie waited for me to continue. I ate a handful of the fish and offered the box to him.

"I dreamed of the accident, in vivid detail, no less. How is it that my mind can come up with even more horrific details than what actually happened? It just doesn't seem fair. I mean I have to live with what happened for the rest of my life. Why is my imagination punishing me?"

"I wish I could answer that for you, honey. I can tell you that it is pretty common to have nightmares like that after tragedy. It's perfectly acceptable to feel guilty. That's my professional opinion. Now as your dad, I can tell you that you are just beginning to realize what you have lost. Your best friend, your partner in life, the father of your child was taken from you. Unfortunately, as cliché as it sounds, the thing that helps us the most to heal is time. In a week, you'll feel better than today. In a month, better still. The change will be gradual, but there will be change. Now that's not to say that you will forget about Peter, because you could never forget him, but your heart will begin to heal, and you will move on."

For a man of few words, Charlie's speech spoke volumes. I leaned back in the chair and turned my head toward him. "Is it normal to not want to move on? So many times in the past two days, I have just wanted to join Peter. I mean, I'm not suicidal, but I'd give anything to just not feel this emptiness at all. That makes me feel so weak, and then I remember that I am carrying our baby. That reminds me that I have to get through this, but it hurts so damn much, Daddy. I had no idea that my heart could hurt so badly."

Charlie got up and fetched a box of tissues. When he handed them to me, I cracked a smile. They were the kind with lotion in them.

"I know, I know. All of Peter's bitching about scratchy tissues got me to change to the more expensive lotion ones. Sue me," he said with a sheepish smile. It was one of the fun arguments that Peter and my dad had, since being cold always made Peter's nose run. After spending several mornings in the cold, fishing with Charlie, Peter finally let loose and had a fit about the cheap tissues that Charlie bought. After that, Peter made a point to bring his own Puffs Plus. Charlie, sensing a good time for teasing, bought Peter some maxi pads and tampons, telling him that since he had grown a vagina and couldn't handle scratchy tissues, the feminine products suited him. Their relationship was so easy and fun. It hit me then that Charlie had also lost someone he dearly loved, too.

We sat there laughing a bit over memories. When the medicine started to kick in, I pushed back in the recliner and Charlie retrieved a pillow and blanket for himself so that he could sleep on the couch next to me. I drifted off, my good hand rubbing my belly. Time would heal me, I knew that was true. That fact didn't make the fear of the weeks and months to come dissipate, however. In a very uncharacteristic move, I resolved to hand over whatever burdens I could and focus on my growing child and myself.

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><p><strong>Thanks for reading. See you Monday!<strong>


	8. Chapter 8

**Thanks for joining me for Chapter 8. Baby steps for Bella. Kleenex risk: Low**

**Many hugs and snuggles to myheroin1 and jakbranton. They hold my hand. They are great cheerleaders!**

**The world of **_**Twilight**_** belongs to Stephenie Meyer. What happens to her characters here is my fabrication.**

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><p>The next couple of weeks were kind of a blur. I stayed with Charlie because truthfully, it was hard for me to go back to the house I shared with Peter, even though we had only moved in a few weeks before the wedding. It hurt too much to see our fixer-upper house with all of the dreams we had for it and the property surrounding it. It had been our first big purchase, not counting the dental practice, as a couple. It was the beginning of our life together. Now everything was drastically altered.<p>

The healing of my arm was progressing. My heart still seemed fractured beyond repair. I began to feel a little morning sickness, but nothing too bad. Goldfish crackers helped a lot. Alice brought me four huge boxes from Sam's Club the last time she, Jasper and Tommy came to visit.

About ten days after the funeral, I called Jasper and asked him if he wanted to be partners. Next to Peter, there was no one I trusted more to be in business with. Alice's degrees were in business and fashion, so she agreed to consult for us as necessary on the business end. JT was an architect had been a contractor with his own thriving construction business before he sold it and retired five years ago. He offered to help us update and modernize the dental office when the time came. Even though the old plans for my future weren't feasible, new ones were beginning to form, giving me something to work toward. I can't say that I looked forward to putting these new plans into action, because in my mind, that meant that I had accepted that Peter was really gone. Like a petulant child, I just couldn't get there quite yet.

Dr. Crowley was a godsend. He agreed to stay on until after my birthday in September. Jasper was able to get out of his contract since the move for them would come near the beginning of the semester for the dental school. After the crap hand the Whitlock family had been dealt, things seemed to be slowly adjusting to a new normal.

July 15th came around and marked my eighth week of pregnancy. I made an appointment for my first prenatal visit with Rose. She had discussed my case with the new doctor in the practice, Dr. Masen. He was new to Forks, but he and I shared mutual friends in Carlisle and Esme. Apparently, his mother and Esme were childhood friends.

"Are you ready, Bells? The appointment at the lawyer's office is at 10:00," Charlie called up to me from the bottom of the stairs. It was the day we did all of the legal stuff pertaining to Peter's death: life insurance, his will, and Jasper becoming a partner in the practice.

It made me feel bad when I recalled a conversation Peter and I had about a year ago. It was about two weeks after he proposed, and he saw a lawyer about a will and consulted an old friend of his in the business about a life insurance policy. I did what was typical of people my age and scoffed at him. I remember him embracing me and kissing the daylights out of me, telling me that I could say whatever I wanted, but this was something that was almost as important as our vows. He wanted to make sure that if anything should happen to him that I would be financially secure. He told me also wanted to make sure that nobody but me inherited his smelly basketball shoes and ratty t-shirts.

"I'm coming, Dad. Are my purse and briefcase down there?" I asked as I finished putting in my earrings and walked down the stairs.

I looked up to see that Charlie held both articles in his hands. The briefcase was something that Alice had designed and presented to me when I graduated in May. A perk of having a very creative best friend.

"How are you feeling, sweetheart? Is the nausea better?" Charlie asked. "I tucked two baggies of Goldfish into your purse, just in case."

I stood there, looking entirely grown up in a business suit, but all I wanted to do was have my daddy hold me like when I was a little girl.

"Can you hold me for a minute, Dad? This is going to be a tough day, I think," I said, reaching for his waist and burying my face in his chest.

"Absolutely. We have some time. Do you want to sit down?"

"No. This is good," I said, swaying a little. "I know that we have to do all of this stuff today, but I'm avoiding it as long as I can. Is that stupid?"

"Not at all, baby girl. I'm thinking that this is the last big heartbreak for a while, and we'll get through it. We have to, because you are the strongest person I know, Bells. There has to be something positive at the end of this horrible road. Maybe it's that grandson of mine you're carrying. What do you think?" Charlie asked softly with a gentle squeeze.

"Yeah, this baby is what keeps me going," I said with a sniffle. "That, and the fact that I know that Peter would want me to make the best of worlds for me and this baby without him. I know that I'd wish the same for him."

Charlie stood there with his chin on my head for a minute longer and then broke the silence. "Jasper and the Newton boy are probably waiting on us. What do you say we get this over with so you can relax this afternoon? Hmm?"

I breathed a sigh and nodded. "Who knew that Mike would eschew the sporting goods business and become a lawyer? I wonder if his parents have gotten over the shock?"

Charlie gave me a wink. "His old man wasn't thrilled at first, but all any parent ever wants for their child is to achieve their dreams. And who knows? Maybe Mike will still find a way to be involved."

Charlie helped me get settled into the passenger side of my car. As he drove us to Mike Newton's office, I held tightly to my father's hand. The silly saying, "Today is the first day of the rest of your life" came to mind, and I gave a halfhearted snort.

Indeed, it was.

**I will be posting the next chapter very shortly. Thanks for reading! I'd love to hear from you, either thru a review or on twitter. I'm aciepey there. xoxo**


	9. Chapter 9: Peter's Letter

**This chapter is dedicated to jakbranton, who has fallen for Peter. I hope I do him justice, lovie! **

**Myheroin1 is splendid. She talks me out of my crazy.**

**The world of **_**Twilight **_** belongs to Stephenie Meyer. What happens to her characters here is my fabrication.**

**So many songs rattled in my head when I wrote this. Greenday's "Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)" is the most prominent. I know it might be a little over-used, but the song is beautiful.**

**Kleenex risk: Moderate to High**

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><p>My Dear Bella,<p>

Our future together has just begun as I put these words to paper. Two weeks ago, you agreed to become my wife, and I can close my eyes and still hear your beautiful voice telling me, "YES! Yes yes yes yes yes!" You already are my life and everything good in it. It is crippling me to know that you would even have to read this, because it means that I am gone, and I can't comfort you. I am writing this for you in the hope that I can try to ease any pain you have right now. I am finding myself with a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes just imagining what you must be going through. Your pain, even imagined like this, is truly my pain.

I need to tell you a story. When I first met you, it was because Jasper said that I had to meet "this girl who will just knock your socks off!" To be honest, I scoffed at him. Yes, I used the word 'scoffed.' I blame you and your fan fiction addiction, which I might just share. Some of those horny pervs can write. But I digress. Jasper said he wanted to set me up, and I really wanted to cancel. I was feeling pathetic because all I did was study to get ready for the MCAT and had no social life. When I complained to him, he just smiled and showed me Alice's Facebook page. Your picture was on there. Well, lots of pictures of you were on there, because Alice has no concept of protecting the privacy of others, now does she? Anyway, I looked at this picture of you. To this day, it epitomizes the term 'natural beauty' for me. You had a paint roller in your hand, with a dark smudge of paint across your cheek. Your hair was down, and you were wearing cutoff shorts, a tank top, and one of Charlie's old flannels that had slipped off your shoulder. The smile you gave the camera was breathtaking. Your eyes seemed to show so many things- playfulness, secrets, honesty- all at the same time. I remember pushing my books aside that night and stalking you through Alice. There's a lesson in there somewhere, but it doesn't matter. I was curious about you. I didn't know Alice very well, as she and Jasper had only been dating for about six months, and he had told me that she had been pestering him about having you and I meet. I am so glad that Alice was so persistent, because shortly after, I friended her on Facebook and tried to learn as much as I could about you. Creeper much? The thing was, I knew that you were a special person, and that I was just Nerdy Peter with my nose in the books. Jasper purposefully didn't tell me a lot about you, the most important of which was the fact that we were both wanted to get into dental school. He gave me some advice. He told me that being a good student was what I did, not who I was. When I finally did meet you, I began to understand what that meant. For so long I had pushed myself, trying to live up to what I thought were everyone else's expectations of me. I never ventured far outside my comfort zone. Then you and Alice walked into Jasper's apartment. After that night, you became my comfort zone. And I don't mean that in a weirdo, stalker way. Although, if I had told you that at the time, I probably would have gotten a visit from the Seattle Police Department courtesy of Charlie. What I mean is that the way you just opened yourself to me that first night gave me reason to think that just maybe Nerdy Peter was just as appealing to you as Klutzy Bella was to me. I never thanked Jasper for the advice he gave me to be myself. I know it was what gave me the confidence to ask you on that first date.

So I showed up at your door with an armful of calla lilies, because in my research I learn that they symbolize magnificence and beauty. I spent the better part of an afternoon trying to decide what flowers to bring you. In hindsight, I know that I could have brought you just about anything and you would have loved them. When I was in the flower shop, however, a woman came in to pick up her bridal bouquet. It was a simple arrangement of callas, and all I could think about was you walking toward me wearing a white dress and your smile. It is confirmed. I am a sap. But that flash in my mind is what prompted me to choose those flowers. It is why I continue to buy them for you, and why I will suggest that you use them for your bouquet when you become my wife. They are magnificent, beautiful, and a reminder to me that my heart has always thought of you as my forever.

However, since you are reading this, our forever has been cut short, and for whatever reason, we won't be growing old and grey together. Bella, I am so sorry. I am so sorry that I wasn't able to give you more time to check other things off our 'dreams' list. I'm sorry that you are hurting. I wish that forever is possible. Whatever the circumstances, I want you to know how much you have fundamentally changed me. You are everything I could have wanted in a friend, a lover, a wife, the mother of my children. I used to cringe at the word lover a bit, because it felt like one of those oldish words that's a euphemism for people who had sex. Then I fell in love with you. I felt love for you and received love from you. The first time we made love, I got it. 'Lover' isn't a euphemism for an act but rather a pure expression of our souls. Which brings us to one of the purposes of this letter. I love you. If there is anything better than love, I feel that, too. I know what it feels like to see your face light up when I am near. I don't want that part of you to disappear just because I am gone. You are the most beautiful thing when you are in love, and when the time is right, I want you to find love again. I imagine that idea right now is downright unfathomable. I know it would be for me. But I also know you, I know your heart, and I know that you would not want me to be alone for the rest of my days. For me, the only thing that comes close to the pain of leaving you behind is the thought of you alone. Your heart was meant to love, and it has loved me in ways I never thought possible. You will know when you are ready to move on. When you think of me and the smiles outweigh the tears, that is when you are on your way.

Do me a favor? Take care of Mom, Dad, and Jasper for me. I have the most outstanding family, and if anyone can help them through this pain, it is you, the other half of my soul.

I will love you forever, Bella, and I'll see you again someday. Promise me that you'll keep smiling that smile that changed my life.

Forever-

Peter

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><p><strong>Two updates a day early. Share your thoughts? <strong>

**See you on Friday! Have a wonderful week, my little valentines!**


	10. Chapter 10

**Hi there! Hope your week was great! Here we are with another chap, but this one has some happy in it. Goodness knows that our girl needs it.**

**I want to thank all of you for your reviews! They really mean a lot to me. I will get around to replying this weekend! **

**jakbranton and myheroin1 are lovely ladies, and I cherish their words of wisdom.**

**This one is a bit longer than the rest, and the Kleenex alert is low to moderate. **

**The world of_ Twilight_ belongs to Stephenie Meyer. What happens to her characters here is my fabrication.**

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><p>"Hi, Jess. I have an 11:30 appointment with Rose," I said as I approached the reception desk.<p>

Jessica Stanley got up and came around the counter to embrace me in a tight hug. We had been friends in high school. Not BFFs, but friendly enough. She and Mike Newton were an on again, off again item for most of our teen years, and I had heard through the grapevine that they had rekindled after they both moved back to town. Jess had returned to help take care of her mother who had been diagnosed with breast cancer. She ended up working in Rose's office as the receptionist and business manager when they needed help in a pinch. After spending so much time here with her mom at the office, it seemed like a natural fit, and there weren't many jobs in Forks to begin with. That had been a few years ago and from what I heard from Rose, the office was a well-oiled machine thanks to Jess.

"Bella, how are you?" she asked with sincerity. Her sky blue eyes showed nothing but concern.

"I'm hanging in there, I suppose. Some days are better than others, but I'm happy to be here today. I'm looking forward to hearing the baby's heartbeat. Rose said that she might even be able to do an ultrasound."

"That would be lovely! From what I have seen, it is a magical thing. I'm looking forward to the day I get to go through all of this. Working here sure can make you get baby fever."

I smiled at Jess. "I hear you and Mike are dating. How's that going? He helped us the other day with all the legal stuff and with the business. Jasper and Alice are moving back to Forks. Jasper and I are going to be partners with the dental practice."

Jess nodded and walked back to her station, efficiently getting all of the paperwork in order.

"Things are good. It's amazing the perspective ten years and the wisdom of adulthood gives you when you meet your high school sweetheart again. We have been back together this time since last Fourth of July. Things just clicked. They feel right. I'm thinking he's the one."

"Don't waste time, then," I said softly. She looked up and reached over to hold my hand.

"I won't, Bella. I know that what you and Peter had was fantastic. Every time I saw the two of you together, it was so beautifully obvious how deeply he loved you. Please let me know if there is anything that I can do to help you, okay? I know that is what everyone says, but truly, if I can help, I'm here. Especially if you need some guidance in navigating the business end of your practice. I know that dental and medical stuff doesn't translate directly, but it would be my pleasure to share what I know."

I took a deep breath and nodded, because I was dangerously close to crying. Jess handed me a clipboard full of papers to fill out and I sat down in one of the surprisingly comfortable chairs. Charlie walked in and took the seat next to me.

"Sorry I'm late, Bells. I got a call I had to take. Did I miss anything?"

I asked Charlie to join me for this appointment because I thought he might enjoy hearing or perhaps even seeing his grandchild. Also, I just didn't want to be here alone, even though one of my best friends in the world was my midwife.

I gave my dad a small smile. "Nope. Just paperwork. I'm up next, though. I'll have them call you back when it's time to see things, though, okay?"

Charlie squirmed adorably, his cheeks blushing a little. "Are you sure that you feel comfortable having me see? I mean I know from the accident that the only way to get an ultrasound picture this early, umm, is to, uh, _doaninternalexam._ At least that's what Emmett told me."

Charlie's hesitancy caused a giggle to erupt from me. It was the first genuine laugh I could remember since the accident, and felt wonderful, albeit foreign.

"I trust Rose to be discreet. And I really want to be able to share this with you. It feels right, you know?"

Charlie put his arm around me, hugging gently. When I first came to live with him, I was a gangly, awkward twelve year old. I had yet to begin my period and had just gotten my first training bra. Charlie never complained once when after he and Renee divorced that she packed up and moved to Phoenix. I was still a toddler, and their relationship as former spouses remained amicable. When my mom met a minor league baseball player and married him, Charlie stepped in and asked to have me live with him. My step-dad's schedule had him traveling the country, and Renee wanted to go with her new husband. I didn't blame her one bit. Actually, I respected Charlie for wanting to provide some constancy in my life. When I arrived in Forks, my dad and I were appropriately awkward around each other, but we settled into a close relationship. I remember the first few months with him filled with all the getting-to-know-you embarrassing moments, but we got through them with humor and hugs. Who knew that the Chief of Police was just a big softy? His hugs had always been a safe spot for me, and today's circumstances weren't any different.

Rose poked her head through the waiting room door, and then walked out to meet me. Grabbing my hand, she leaned over to give Charlie a one-armed embrace.

"Are you ready, Bella? We have as long as we want, because you're my last patient before lunch. I'm going to the L&D unit after I get through with you, okay?"

"Sounds good. So I get to pee in a cup for you?" I asked, trying to bring some levity to the situation.

Charlie snorted. "I think that's my cue to sit down and read some of these back issues of Good Housekeeping."

Rose winked, taking my paperwork from me and pulled me through the door toward the exam rooms. She weighed me, I went to the restroom to give my urine sample, and then I was shown into a rather posh exam room.

"Undress totally and put this lovely gown on," Rose said, handing me a soft garment the color of spring grass. "I'll be right back. Take your time, sweetie."

The room was a little on the warm side, but I guess it is better to err on the side of warmth when your patients are naked from the waist down most of the time. As I undressed and folded my shorts and panties, I paused and took the big, shuddering breath that had been hiding in my body since I woke up. This was one of those moments that I had dreamed about sharing with Peter. I had always pictured him sitting beside me, his familiar hands in mine as we gazed upon our child for the first time. When he became an uncle to Tommy, he made it very clear that fatherhood was something he wanted badly. Our plan was to settle into the practice for about a year, and then try to get pregnant. I knew that he would have been over the moon about this pregnancy, would have been the doting husband and father.

I finished getting undressed and put the green robe on. I noticed a box of Kleenex on the counter and picked them up, knowing that sometime in the next hour that they would come in handy. After a few minutes, Rose knocked on the door and came in.

"How are you feeling, B? Is your arm healing well?"

"As far as I know. I'd kill to take a shower without copious amounts of plastic wrap involved."

Rose smiled and looked down at her clipboard. "I'd think that you'd be a pro with that at this stage in your life."

I laughed as she referred to my eternal clumsiness. I have had five casts on various extremities, not to mention I don't know how many splints and braces.

"I am a pro, darling, but it still gets old. So what do we do here? How does this go down?" My good hand began to ache as I noticed that I was gripping the edge of the exam table so hard that my knuckles were white. Rose was seated on one of those rolling chairs with the round seat, and she scooted closer to me, sensing my apprehension.

"The first thing I would like you to do is to try to relax a bit. Let me take care of you, Bella. You are in great hands here, if I do say so myself. Now as far as office visits go, you will visit us every four weeks until you are twenty-eight weeks along, then every two weeks until you are thirty-six weeks, and then every week until you deliver. You will alternate visits between Dr. Masen and me. He's a really good doc, and I have heard great feedback from the patients. Plus he treats the staff at the hospital well. I think you'll like him."

Rose then told me about what to expect with my visits, informed me that my urine was fine, checked my vital signs, and proceeded to ask me a twenty-five minutes worth of questions regarding my health history, as well as things about Peter's general health. I teared up some as I answered those questions, wishing futilely that he could be by my side, answering them himself.

She then used a little portable Doppler wand on my belly to find a heartbeat for us to hear. We were met with silence, which caused me to panic.

"Everything is probably fine, Bella. That little bean is tiny! I'd be concerned if we didn't hear anything if you were twelve weeks, but at eight weeks, this isn't unusual. The good news is that we get to do an ultrasound and see this little one, okay?" Rose's words reassured me, but the tears still pooled in my eyes.

"Let's just get the internal exam over for now, and then I will wheel the ultrasound machine in here and get Charlie, okay?"

I nodded and blew my nose. In my head, I said prayers to anyone who would listen that my baby, _Peter's baby,_ was healthy and happy and growing like mad in my belly. Rose did the exam, which is every woman's least favorite thing about being a woman, and pronounced that I certainly _felt_ pregnant.

"I'll be right back, Bella, and I'll have Charlie make his way back here. I peeked at him earlier. He's just a teeeny bit uncomfortable, huh?" she said with a grin.

"Yeah. He carries a gun and chases criminals, but put him in a place where words like 'vagina' and 'menstruation' are spoken freely and the man freaks out."

I heard Rose cackle down the hall, and I gently slumped back onto the exam table. Three weeks ago, I was on top of the world, enjoying a day at the lake with my husband. Fast forward to present time, and I am facing motherhood and the rest of my life without him. It never once entered my mind that he wouldn't be by my side.

I felt the tears come. As I laid there staring at the ceiling, they trailed past my temples and into my hair.

"Oh, Peter. How in the world am I going to do this without you?" I whispered as I placed my hands on my belly. "I wish you could guide me somehow, babe. I need your calmness right now to even out my crazy."

There were three quick knocks on the door- Charlie's signature announcement- and I hurried to sit up and wipe my eyes. "Come in, Dad."

The door opened slowly and I saw my father's worried face peer around. He frowned when he noticed that I had been crying. In an instant, he was by my side with his arms enveloping me.

"Is everything all right, Bells? Are you okay? Where's Rosie?"

Rose appeared, pushing a rather large machine. "Right here, Chief. You ready to see your grandbaby?"

Charlie's eyes lit up, his mustache moving upward with his smile. He looked back at me. "I am if you are, Bella."

I smiled at him as he wiped a stray tear from my cheek, and then wrapped myself tighter around him. "This is so hard, Daddy. I miss Peter so much. How is it that I actually feel the pain of his absence? How am I going to tell this baby someday that I was the one who caused the accident that killed its father?"

Rose came to my other side, shushing me with quiet tones. "Oh, Bella, it was an accident, and I am sure that Peter is watching after you and this little one," she said with shimmering eyes. "We can't bring him back, but we all can help you to raise this baby with so much love and memories of Peter. Let us help you. Please."

The guilt I carried over the accident was a constant companion. The nightmares had diminished to every two or three nights, and Charlie didn't even know about all of them. Or if he did, he wasn't saying anything. I wasn't the kind of person who liked to appear weak, and asking for help went against my independent personality. I was going to be a single mother in thirty-two weeks, though, with a new business to run, and it was becoming increasingly apparent that relying upon the kindness and love of my family and friends would be the only way to get through these next couple of years.

"Bella, let me put it to you this way: if I were the one in your shoes, I know that your heart of gold would direct you to do the same as I am offering you right now. Let us share your burden as much as you can. Just concentrate on growing this baby so that in March, we can celebrate what a miracle you have been given."

"She's right, sweetie. Let us lighten the load. Take on what you can, when you can," Charlie urged.

I took a deep breath and sighed. "I think I can do that," I said softly. Sitting there between Rose and Charlie, I almost believed that I could get through this.

I heard a knock at the open door and glanced up, expecting to see Jess. Instead, a tall man in scrubs and a white doctor's coat was standing there. He offered a kind, lopsided smile before he spoke.

"I'm very sorry to interrupt. I'm Edward Masen, and I work with Rose. I just wanted to introduce myself briefly before I head over to the hospital. We have a patient who has gone into labor and wasn't going to be here when you finish up."

"Oh. Of course. Hi, Dr. Masen. I'm Isabella Whitlock," I said, still relatively unused to my new surname. "I'm glad to meet you."

Dr. Masen stepped forward, offering his hand, and gently shook my own. "Please call me Edward. I realize that this might seem a little awkward, but Rose has informed me of your situation, and I just wanted to offer my condolences. Between your friend and me, along with the staff, we will do everything we can to ensure that your pregnancy goes smoothly on our end so that you can concentrate on the important things."

Charlie squeezed my shoulder and spoke up, extending his hand to Dr. Masen. "I'm Charlie Swan, Bella's father. I appreciate your kind words, and I'm sure Bella does, too."

The men shook hands and I gathered my voice to speak. "Yes, thanks. We were just talking about all of the help I have available. I know that I am very fortunate."

"Well, I won't keep you. It looks like you get to meet someone by way of this machine, and I have to go see about meeting Forks' newest resident as he makes his arrival," Edward said with a genuine smile. "Please don't hesitate to call or have me paged if you have any questions, day or night."

I gave the best smile I could as I held back my emotions and nodded. Rose shut the door after he left, maneuvering the ultrasound machine into place by the exam table.

"He really is a fantastic doctor, Bella. I enjoy working with him a lot. Some OB/GYNs don't consider midwives very valuable, but Edward has made it clear from the beginning that the office is a team, and that my presence is just as critical to him as his presence is to me. It makes coming to work a whole lot more pleasant knowing that I have that kind of back up." Rose typed a few things into the machine and sat down.

"He seems really nice. I'm sure we are lucky to have gotten him here," I said absently. Rose turned her attention to me and I looked from her to Charlie. "What's the best way to do this? Charlie, I think you're going to want to turn your back for a minute, right, Rose?"

"Got it. Turning around now," Charlie said with a laugh. "Just let me know when it is all clear!"

Rose laughed at Charlie's embarrassment and motioned for me to lie back. She discreetly put my feet in the stirrups and positioned the probe where it needed to be, covering my nether regions well with a drape sheet.

"Okay, Grandpa Charlie, turn around and we can get this show on the road." Charlie looked down at me sheepishly, and I began to giggle a bit. Lord, how much more awkward could this get?

The three of us watched the screen, but two of us had no clue what we were seeing. Then I heard something very rhythmic and fast. A heartbeat! It dawned on Charlie what the sound was, and he looked at me with the biggest smile. I didn't even try to hold the tears back. It was both comforting and heartbreaking that a part of Peter was living inside of me. Comforting because he wasn't totally gone as long as I heard that heartbeat. Heartbreaking because I wouldn't be able to share any of this with him as we had dreamed.

"That is a good, strong heartbeat, Bella. See this flicker? There's the heart. That's your baby. Everything looks perfect, B. I'm going to take some measurements and see if the due date remains the same."

I looked at the screen, stunned. Charlie was much the same way. The gentle "whoosh-whoosh" sound of the baby's heart did so much to heal some of the fissures in my own. I felt a sense of relief and love unlike anything I had ever felt. Things looked pretty amorphous at first, but then as we stared longer, I was really able to see what I was looking at.

"Oh my! I can see him! I can see his little hands! Look Dad! Do you see them? They are so tiny! And no fingers really! Just little flippies!" I was gushing.

"Yep. Well, I'll be! Before long, those hands will be wrapped around a fishing pole! His head ain't much to look at yet, huh Rosie?" Charlie asked.

"Well, not really," Rose said as she used the machine to zoom in and out on the picture before us. "The baby is about the size and shape of a kidney bean, but things change so fast from week to week. Next time we see this little one, he'll look nothing like this. I'm printing off lots of pictures, though. You know that Alice, Esme, and Barb are going to want some."

We finished looking at my little one, Charlie left the room, and Rose helped me to sit up on the edge of the exam table once again.

"Rose, I can't tell you how much this means to me, to be able to see the baby. To connect to it. These last few weeks have been indescribably hollow. Peter's death has brought me to the edge, I won't lie, and some days the only thing that motivates me to even try to keep going is this little piece of him."

"There is help here for you, Bella. I can refer you to someone you can talk to about all of this. Sometimes, an objective point of view is helpful when everyone you might otherwise unload on is emotionally invested."

I looked down at the tissue in my hands that I had shredded. "I know, Rose, and I appreciate that. I just don't know if I can do that yet. I need a little more time before I put my feelings out there like that."

Rose gave me a hug and kissed my forehead. "I understand. Just let me know how I can help. Don't suffer in silence."

"Are you telling me to suffer out loud, then?" I asked with a grin.

"All I am saying is that many hands lighten the load. And there are so many people who loved Peter, who love you, and we will always be here for you. No matter what."

Rose's tone was serious as I tried to brush my anguish aside.

"Thank you. I know I must be frustrating you and Emmett with my reluctance to open up. It is getting easier, though. Today's visit caused me to realize that alone, this will all be impossible. Despite everything, I am blessed. Peter would always try to find the positive in every situation. You and Emmett are positives for me. Along with everyone else I love."

Rose wiped her eyes and embraced me again. "I'm glad to hear that you see that, sweetie. Let's get you out to Charlie so that he can he can leave Vaginaville with his dignity intact."

"Vaginaville? Really? Let me guess- Emmett?"

Rose snickered and nodded. "That's my man. He's got tons of class, but unfortunately, it's all low."

Later that night, I fell into a dreamless sleep after I tucked one of the baby's ultrasound pictures into the frame that held my favorite photo of Peter.

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><p><strong>I want Rose for my midwife. js.<strong>

**Thanks so much for reading! Have an outstanding weekend! See you Monday!**


	11. Chapter 11

**Happy Monday! Hopefully those of you in The States are enjoying President's Day by reading lots and lots of fic. I'm going to spend some time writing, as my reserves of this story are falling behind!**

**Thanks again go to the wonderful myheroin1 for getting it up to snuff, and to jakbranton for her much sought after opinions. Anything left that looks wrong is my fault. :)**

**Today, Bella gets to meet Dr. Masen. No, he doesn't get all up in her particulars. The plan is that he really never sees that part of her, truly, since she is being managed by both Rose and Edward. It is plausible, because it happened to me with my last pregnancy. It just worked out that all of my internal exams were performed by my awesome midwife, and she also delivered me. I did see the OB in the practice, but he never ventured below the bump. There was no need to, since everything was fairly normal. And you can't tell me that Rose couldn't pull a few strings if she needed to? Have faith. **

**I got reprimanded about the Kleenex warning last time. I honestly think this one isn't bad...**

**The world of _Twilight_ belongs to Stephenie Meyer. What happens to her characters here is my fabrication.**

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><p>Twelve weeks pregnant and a week away from getting my cast removed, I decided that I was ready to return to my life and begin living. I tried not to mark the passage of every week since Peter's death with tears and depression, and I was determined to get through this Friday, which was the sixth Friday since he died, in a pretty low-key manner. My first thought upon waking wasn't the fact that it was another Friday, but rather that it was the day that I got to hear the baby's heartbeat again.<p>

"How are you feeling today, Isabella?" Dr. Masen asked after looking at the results of my urine (gross) and my vitals.

"Please, call me Bella," I said. "I'm feeling pretty okay, I guess. Tired. A little bloated. My fat jeans are getting snug, so I guess I'm growing."

Dr. Masen smiled and took a look back down at the chart. "It says here that you have actually lost about five pounds. Normally I wouldn't be too concerned, because your body will always divert the things needed for growing your baby to your womb. However, you are not very big to begin with. Tell me, are you having a lot of nausea or vomiting?"

I sighed and looked at the doctor. I knew that my weight was down a pound or two, but not five! "The nausea has gotten better, and I have only thrown up twice. To be honest, a lot of the time, I'm not very hungry. When I do eat, I try to eat well. And I always take the prenatal vitamin."

"How are you getting along emotionally? I'm sure that we might be able to attribute some of your decreased appetite to your unique situation, as well," he said.

I nodded. "Actually, Dr. Masen, I knew that I had lost a bit of weight, but I'm surprised it is five pounds. In the first few weeks following the accident, I think my friends and family fed me, but I really don't recall. It is still all a blur. But I am doing better. Things are hard, but getting better, even if it means that my list of accomplishments is getting a shower three days in a row."

"I see. Are you planning to return to work soon? When will you be getting your cast off?" he asked.

"Well, I see Carlisle, umm, Dr. Cullen, I mean, on Tuesday. Hopefully I'll be rid of this thing then and moved up to one of those spiffy splints." I smiled as I tried to show that I wasn't a total head case, but rather just a new widow with a lot on my plate.

"Carlisle and Esme Cullen are both fantastic people. My mother and Esme have been friends since they were girls. Carlisle was the one who told me about the opportunity here."

"Oh, so you know Alice, then. She and Jasper will be moving into their new house in about a week. And the second she hears that I have lost weight, both she and Esme will set about to fattening me up," I laughed. Dr. Masen shook his head in mock pity.

"I believe you are right. To tell you the truth, I know that the weight gain will come as you progress. The fact that some clothes are not fitting as well lets us know that the baby isn't suffering. And your fatigue is normal. In the coming weeks you can expect a rebound in your energy and a decrease in the nausea. I know that you said things are hard, getting better, but would you like to talk a bit more about how you are coping? Are you sleeping more or having trouble sleeping? Grief takes its toll on us physically, too. That's something people seem to forget, and its effects are as varied as the individual is. And these effects could affect your pregnancy, unfortunately." There was nothing but genuine concern in Dr. Masen's words, and I was beginning to understand why Rose thought so highly of him. It was as if he truly understood what I was going through.

"Well, I plan to go back to my home tomorrow. I have been staying with my dad. The first few weeks after the accident, I had nightmares, horrible nightmares. That kept me from getting the sleep I needed, even though all I wanted to do was sleep. I was really afraid to even lie down. It was a bit of a paradox. I was so freaking tired, but sleep only made me feel worse when I had the nightmares," I admitted. My eyes were a bit blurred with tears, but I kept talking.

"Peter left me a letter. It was given to me when we met with the lawyer about Peter's affairs. It nearly killed me to read it, because it was in his handwriting. Hell, I even sniffed the paper and imagined his smell. I was a wreck afterward, but that night was the first night that I didn't have a nightmare of the accident. It was as if Peter took that burden away for me. This letter was written about a month after we became engaged. He was always such a planner, and he made sure that I would be all right financially if something were to happen to him. He knew that I would be reluctant to move on, which I definitely am. He was my first serious boyfriend. He said he didn't want me to live the rest of my life alone. He wanted me to live my life fully and find love again if it came my way. Little did he know that that love would be our child." I looked at the doctor, and he nodded for me to continue, patiently and kindly listening as my floodgates burst.

"Like I said, the nightmares aren't such a problem as they had been, but I still fight anxiety and guilt. The guilt I have over causing the accident is crippling, if I'm being honest. I don't think even Charlie knows how bad things are at times. I'm pretty good at covering. But I know that I have to get myself in a place where I can do for myself and be ready to be a mom. I need to get back to work. I need to live like Peter said I need to."

Dr. Masen was silent for a moment. "It sounds like Peter was a fantastic partner. The letter must have been bittersweet. I know you have a lot of support from family and friends."

As I sat there, I noted how much easier it was for me to talk about things with someone who listened with an impartial ear. I knew in my heart of hearts that I really needed to give therapy a try.

"Yes, he was. He was one of those people who found the best part of everything. I'm fairly certain that he is up there trying like mad to get me to see that this baby is the silver lining for me now. My friends and family _have_ been a lifeline for me, but I also think it may be time for me to see a counselor to help me work through the guilt, as well as the anxiety. Maybe then, I can get rid of the nightmares forever."

"Well, I will be happy to find someone who can help you, Bella. I think you're doing the right thing, no matter how overwhelming it may seem right now. Just finding the strength to make that step tells me that you are on your way to healing," Dr. Masen said. His words were tinged with wisp of knowledge of a personal nature that made them even more genuine. He then made a few notes and asked me to lie back so that he could find the baby's heartbeat. I'm fairly certain that my knuckles on my good hand were white as I clenched it at my side.

"Relax, Bella," Dr. Masen said as he patted my hand. "Everything so far looks great. The labs we drew last time are right where they need to be. The ultrasound that Rose did last time showed a healthy little one growing just like it should. Now let's just take a listen so that we can put you at ease."

I pulled my shirt up and shimmied my panties down a bit under the drape sheet to expose my slightly rounded belly. He put the warmed goo on my skin and placed the transducer on it. He moved the wand around and stopped. Ever so faintly, I heard a fast, galloping sound. I sucked in a quick breath as my eyes went wide.

"Is that him? Is that the baby?" I asked. My voice was barely a whisper.

"Yep. That's your baby. The heart rate is 162 beats a minute, which is perfect. As he or she grows bigger, the sound will be louder, of course. But right now, it's perfectly normal for it to be so faint. It's actually amazing when you think about it. He's about the size of a lime or so. He has distinct arms and legs. He looks human, compared to what you saw last time you were here."

My relief flooded through me as I listened to the whoosh through the crappy little speaker on the machine. I felt the tears gathering as I started firing questions at the doctor. "A lime? Wow. All of this is so nebulous, but when you give me something like that to visualize, it's pretty cool. When will we get to see him again? What other tests will I have to take? Are there any precautions I'll have to take when I return to work?"

Dr. Masen smiled and answered all of my questions, even though I acted like a person without a brain in my head, let alone someone with an advanced degree. I gathered he was used to first-timers like me. He shook my hand and told me that either he or Rose would be in touch with a referral for a counselor. I expected my heart to seize slightly, but surprisingly, I felt a bit of relief wash over me. I was ready for some healing. I was ready for this cloud of guilt to move on.

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><p><strong>Baby steps. <strong>

**Thanks for reading. Next time, we hear from Dr. Edward Masen and why he has such insights into grief.**


	12. Chapter 12

**Happy Friday! Thanks for stopping by!**

**myheroin1 and jakbranton helped me with this. muchas gracias!**

**The world of_ Twilight_ belongs to Stephenie Meyer. What happens to her characters here is my fabrication.**

**Here is Dr. Edward Masen.**

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><p>"Edward! Caleb! I'm so glad that you're here! Come on in!"<p>

I let Caleb down on the hardwood floor of Carlisle and Esme's foyer and grabbed him up by his overalls before he could run away.

"Shoes off, little man. And give Auntie Mimi a kiss before you run off. You must always be a gentleman," I admonished with a grin. Caleb stopped and kicked off his Crocs that he lived in, and then wrapped his arms around Esme's legs, kissing her knees. He then turned his green eyes upward to my mother's best friend and turned on the charm.

"Hi, Mimi! Where Unca C? Where Jimbo?"

"Well, they are both in the kitchen, Caleb. I think Uncle C is feeding that Chihuahua bacon again. You better go tell him to stop."

Caleb was halfway to the kitchen before we heard him call, "I will!"

"How are you, Esme?" I asked as I leaned to kiss her cheek. "Sorry about Little C's running. I asked Mom if I was as rambunctious as him when I was three and she just laughed."

"From what I hear, three years old is when parents start looking for the 'off' button on little boys. Alice was pretty docile until she met Bella when she was five. After that, the two of them were into everything."

"I cannot believe you just used the word 'docile' to describe Alice." My 'cousin' was anything but docile when I spent time with her growing up.

"Well, don't tell her that! She, Jasper and Tommy should be here later on today. They closed early on their place in Spokane, so they didn't want to wait to get here. She wants to be here for Bella. From what I understand, she's still struggling at times." Esme linked her arm in mine as we walked to the kitchen at the rear of the house.

"It'll be good to see her and Jasper again. How is he holding up? How are his parents?" I asked. Everyone knew about the tragedy that befell the Whitlocks in June. Caleb and I had only been here for about a month when Rose came in to work, devastated. My heart went out to the new bride. Rose mentioned that Bella Whitlock was paralyzed with guilt over what was simply an unfortunate accident. To compound the pain of losing her husband, Bella discovered that she was pregnant at virtually the same moment.

"I suppose as well as can be expected. Jasper will be joining her in the practice, and his parents will be moving here to Forks before the year is out. With all the family here, they thought it would be best, especially as Bella approaches delivery. Plus, JT is going to lend a hand with the renovations that Peter and Bella had planned."

"So, they are a pretty close family?" I asked as we entered Esme's kitchen, my eyes unconsciously searching for my son as a matter of habit. Carlisle and Caleb were standing side by side at the island, Caleb having found the special step stool that Esme kept just for the little ones who frequented her kitchen. Our conversation was put on hold as we looked to the chefs.

"Look, Da! Unca C and I made pantates and bacon! And Auntie Mimi 'membered the whipped cream! This is going to be so good! And Auntie Mimi? Unca C only gived Jimbo little bacons since he's a little doggie."

"Caleb, my man! First 'Man Rule' is that you don't dime out the other guys to the ladies!" Carlisle said in mock exasperation to Caleb, who wore a bit if a frown.

"But Unca C? I don't have any dimes or pennies or anything. Da has all of the monies," he replied with his serious voice.

Esme laughed loudly and we all sat at the table for our breakfast. We chatted about work, my parents, Alice and Jasper's move, and the house that Caleb and I rented from Mrs. Cope. She watched Caleb on occasion when Esme couldn't while I worked. I was truly fortunate to have my adoptive aunt and uncle nearby and available to watch my son when I couldn't be there. It was truly the detail that helped me to make the move here in the first place.

"I made a flood when I brusheded my teeth this morning, Auntie Mimi. Now Da and I hafta go to the store and get tools and pumbling parts," Caleb shared, waving his bacon excitedly. Jimbo watched earnestly with his large Chihuahua eyes.

"Plumbing parts, buddy, not pumbling parts. And please put your bacon down. Jimbo is looking like he might try to steal it from you," I said with a laugh. Upon seeing the crispy goodness disappear, Jimbo seemed to sigh, but didn't move far from Caleb's side. Obviously, the dog had learned the value of sticking close by if children were at the table.

We finished breakfast, loaded the dishwasher, and took Caleb out back to the over-the-top playset that Carlisle had insisted upon putting in once Alice and Jasper's son began walking. Never mind the fact that he has just now, a year later, learned to climb the ladder.

The adults settled in at the table close to the playset while Caleb ran around, climbing and jumping. Our house was close to the elementary school, so we had ample opportunity to play at the playground. It was Caleb's favorite thing to do. After a sip of her tea, Esme picked up our conversation from before.

"To continue what I was saying before breakfast, the Whitlocks are indeed a close family. It is one of the few things about Bella's situation for which I am grateful. Bella is a very strong person, but also very reluctant to ask for help. Barb and JT have a quiet way of helping and doing what needs to be done, without making it seem like they are forcing the issue. They were a huge help when Alice broke her ankle during her pregnancy."

"Auntie Mimi! Can you push me, please? I can't make the swing go!" my son called from his perch on the plastic seat.

"He's got you wrapped around his finger, Esme," I said, shaking my head. Caleb was a sweet boy, and was learning how to use that to his advantage.

Esme began pushing Caleb, his giggles filling the back yard. "She loves having the children around. Bella asked Alice and Esme for help when the baby comes and she has to return to work. Esme joked with Bella, saying that she was offended that she even had to ask. It was good seeing Bella smile again," Carlisle said.

"Speaking of Bella, I need to do a bit of shop talk with you regarding a referral. Is there a good grief counselor you can recommend? She mentioned yesterday at her appointment that she would like to see someone about her guilt and anxiety. She had been having nightmares and her weight isn't where I would like to see it."

"Of course. I can email that to you sometime today. I'm glad that she has reached out like that. It's a big step for her. She likes to be pretty independent. If you don't mind me asking, has any of Bella's situation brought back any guilty or anxious feelings for you? I can't help but note some of the similarities in your situations," he said in a gentle tone.

I took a deep breath and blew it out slowly. Carlisle and Esme were a big help when Siobhan was murdered. Together with my parents, they helped me to see that my ability to handle the guilt and anxiety had a direct effect on my son, even though he was only 7 weeks old at the time. I was so lost in my head that I was barely functioning outside of basic activities. In the weeks following her funeral, I was a mess, trying to figure out how to take on all of the responsibilities of a single parent, as well as the legal mess, since Siobhan and I weren't married and we had yet to amend wills and such. It took so many months, but her financial and business obligations with her bakeshop became sorted, along with the trial for her murderer and I was able to return to work, but only after Carlisle practically forced me into therapy to deal with the path that my life had taken. For almost two years, Caleb and I lived with my parents as I finished my residency and began practicing in the suburbs of Chicago.

"You know, I look at Bella's situation and I really want to share my story with her, but I can't help but feel that it would be stepping over a line somehow. I know how it feels to be consumed with guilt, to wish that you could have made just one little decision differently. I remember feeling crushed, empty, and alone, but not really alone, because I had Caleb. It took a while for me to see the little blessings around me after such a devastating loss. So do I feel any of those emotions now? Yes. I think I will always hurt over the stupid argument Siobhan and I had that night, but the acute pain and guilt are gone."

I looked at my empty coffee cup and at Carlisle, who wore a sad smile.

"You've come a long way from the new dad with the infant in his arms we found in Chicago, Edward. I am sure that Siobhan is proud of you. Caleb is a wonderful child who brings happiness to everyone he meets. Every compliment someone gives your son is also a compliment on the job you are doing as his father. As for whether or not to tell Bella your story? That is up to you. I think it could be a great example for her to see that her feelings don't have to overwhelm her and that, eventually, a new normal can be reached." Carlisle reached over and put his hand on my arm. "Trust your gut. See how things unfold for her."

I nodded and looked to my boy, who was pushing Esme on the swing, telling her all about his big muscles. His smile was so much like his mother's.

"It hasn't been easy, but I can truly say that I feel content with where I am right now. I'm glad that I have had your support, Carlisle. You and Esme have welcomed Caleb and me without a hesitation. In fact, I think the only reason Mom let me leave Chicago was because I was coming here to you guys."

"Yes, well, your mom requires weekly reports on how her boys are doing. When do you think Elizabeth will be here again? I think Esme is itching for some girl time, especially since Alice is returning," said Carlisle. We stood and made our way to Caleb and Esme, who were playing cars in the sandbox.

"Time to go, Little C. We still have to fix the sink, remember?"

Caleb jumped up and ran to Carlisle and me. "Oh, wow, Unca C, we get to use TOOLS, and FLASHLIGHTS! That will be so awesome! Da says I'm a good fixer, just like him. Are you a fixer, too?"

"Yes, I am, but I usually use different tools that are made to work on people. Sometimes when I work on things around the house, Auntie Mimi thinks that I'm not a good fixer. I do my fixing at the hospital. It's the secret to a happy marriage." Esme playfully nudged her husband while Caleb pondered what Carlisle said. He shrugged and turned to me.

"I have to go pee, Da. Can I use Auntie Mimi's potty? I won't pee on the seat, I promise," my son said as he began to dance a bit.

Esme laughed and reached for Caleb's hand. "I'll help you, handsome. And don't worry about sprinkling on the seat. Uncle C does that all the time."

"Hey! I do not! Don't believe her, Caleb. Bros before-"

"CARLISLE! Stop trying to be hip, especially with that phrase! I'm never letting you watch reality TV again." With that admonishment, Esme and Caleb disappeared into the house. I laughed my ass off.

After Caleb's much celebrated potty effort, he and I left and headed to the hardware store for the things we needed to fix the leaky sink. As I looked in the mirror at my son, I smiled. The heartbreaking pain of losing Siobhan had dissipated over the years since she was murdered, and from time to time, I still had flare ups of hurt, but Carlisle was right. Caleb and I had come a long way from those dark days, weeks, months after his mother died, but with the fantastic support of family and friends, along with a good therapist, I was able to put the feelings of guilt and anxiety behind me and make a good life for us. I was confident that one day, the same could be possible for Bella Whitlock.

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><p><strong>I am a complete and utter failure at review replies. I hope to rectify that soon. Please know that each one thrills me beyond words!<strong>

**See y'all on Monday.**


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